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Funny Jokes About Me Quotes & Sayings
Showing search results for "Funny Jokes About Me" sorted by relevance. 500 matching entries found.
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QUOTES
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car... Is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
Unknown
478 Likes
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Roger Ebert has had his right thumb trademarked. Now the police will actually have to pay him if he ever has to give a thumbprint.
Andy Waits
30 Likes
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I made a killing in the stock market. My broker lost all my money, so I killed him.
Jim Loy
27 Likes
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I call our bathroom 'The Vault' because the door's always locked and whatever goes on in there costs a $hitload of money.
Jeff Foxworthy
24 Likes
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Suppose the world were only one of God's jokes, would you work any the less to make it a good joke instead of a bad one?
George Bernard Shaw
354 Likes
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The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
Unknown
371 Likes
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The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.
Will Rogers
147 Likes
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If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.
Bob Edwards
50 Likes
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Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition.
Hussein Nishah
526 Likes
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It is by vivacity and wit that man shines in company; but trite jokes and loud laughter reduce him to a buffoon.
Lord Chesterfield
18 Likes
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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
Ellen DeGeneres
84 Likes
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Did you hear about the new reversible jackets? I can't wait to see how they turn out.
Nikhil Saluja
226 Likes
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If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
Milton Jones
245 Likes
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.
Tommy Cooper
44 Likes
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So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'
Tommy Cooper
17 Likes
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I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
Tommy Cooper
72 Likes
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Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts working on you, go limp and soil yourself.
Mike Wilmot
89 Likes
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Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office...I will find you. You have my Word.
Unknown
110 Likes
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I stepped on a cornflake this morning...I'm a cereal killer now!
Unknown
294 Likes
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I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Steven Wright
47 Likes
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