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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
W C Fields
127 Likes
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I love to go to Washington - if only to be near my money.
Bob Hope
13 Likes
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I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.
Walt Disney
39 Likes
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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Rodney Dangerfield
43 Likes
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I like marriage. The idea.
Toni Morrison
13 Likes
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I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
Fred Allen
31 Likes
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I like children - fried.
W C Fields
19 Likes
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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Joan Rivers
33 Likes
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I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
Steven Wright
32 Likes
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I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
Robert Benchley
11 Likes
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I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
Calvin Coolidge
19 Likes
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I have a new philosophy. I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
Charles M Schulz
42 Likes
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I have a love interest in every one of my films - a gun.
Arnold Schwarzenegger
9 Likes
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I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
47 Likes
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I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
Woody Allen
25 Likes
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I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
Mitch Hedberg
24 Likes
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I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
Samuel Goldwyn
28 Likes
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I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
Paula Poundstone
23 Likes
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I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
Joe E Lewis
25 Likes
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I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.
Imelda Marcos
38 Likes
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