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Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
Sharon Stone
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Today I saw a baby with a bib that said 'This dumbass put my cape on backwards.'
Unknown
921 Likes
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I accidentally bumped into my ex today...With my car...at 60mph...on purpose.
Unknown
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Dear Santa, ( ) I've been good all year. ( ) Ok most of the time. ( ) Once in a while. (X) fu.. it. I'll buy my own sh...
Unknown
917 Likes
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A lion wouldn't cheat, but a tiger wood.
Unknown
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It's a recipe for disaster when your country has an obesity epidemic and a skinny jean fad.
Unknown
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Sometimes one middle finger isn't enough to let someone know how you feel. That's why you have two hands.
Unknown
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The best time to look for a job is when you already have one. Men apply the same theory to looking for a girlfriend.
Unknown
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When your ex asks if you can still be friends right after a break up, it's like having a kidnapper tell you to keep in touch.
Unknown
739 Likes
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I failed my Driver's test. Driving teacher: 'What do you do at a red light?' Me: 'I usually respond to texts and check my Facebook.'
Unknown
758 Likes
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Sometimes when my internet is down I forget the rest of my computer still works....
Unknown
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This Christmas I've decided to put a mistletoe in my back pocket....so all the people I dont like can kiss my ass.
Unknown
719 Likes
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Im having one of those days where my middle finger is answering all my questions.
Emalie Newhall
887 Likes
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There are two types of human beings found on Facebook. One who gets enormous amount of likes and comments on their posts. And the others are men.
Unknown
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A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.
Sam Ewing
2534 Likes
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I hate two-faced people. It's so hard to decide which face to slap first.
Unknown
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I don't make mistakes...I date them.
Unknown
607 Likes
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People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
Ellen DeGeneres
2727 Likes
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That awkward moment when you're checking yourself out in the window of another car and realize there's someone inside.
Unknown
631 Likes
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That awkward moment when your parents tell you to stay in the line when you're shopping, and when you're almost near the cashier, they're not even back yet.
Unknown
582 Likes
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